Two Worlds One Source, 50 Shades of Fails

What a strange Valentines day it was. A move adapted from a book was released and girls went nuts about it. Those poor bastards who had to go and watch the movie, I pity and envy them at the same time.

The predictable thing has happened, the move was horrible and honestly I can’t say I am surprised. But let’s try to figure out why it failed so hard.

One step at a time. First of all the book was terrible, let’s be honest, it’s just not that good. I understand that many have this desire to explore their darkest desires and that’s fine, but there is a huge difference between a book and a movie. This is the fantastic thing about books that most of us enjoy, the part where we as the readers interact with the content of the book and recreate the world of the author in our mind. A process that is impossible for a movie to create. It can indeed come close to it, but it is really hard to make it since we are all different and have a different way of imagining things. This is the only reason why the book is better than the movie. You enter that world and you live it, while watching a movie you see how others live it and it just feels wrong. Two worlds created from one source.

Now when you think about it, it is indeed as those amazing girls say, “It’s just cliche male dominant, female submissive.” (watch the video here).
Really I have to agree that it is poorly written. Like some lines are just idiotic. The erotic factor might be high for some people while reading the book but are you seriously going to tell me that you paid 15$ to watch a porn movie  erotic movie that is mostly about two people mixing business with sex. I don’t care what you are into but I am sure that you will agree with me that sex does not equal business (unless it’s illegal and such). Erotica is an art form for me. And frankly it’s an insult that this movie was so anticipated. What did you actually expect?

Let’s dig dig deeper and find out all those strange thoughts of Anna, the virgin who accepted to be a submissive sex slave because Christian Gray was rich and smelled good plus he was rich.. here goes nothing :

“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.”
That’s so hot when
“I feel the colour in my cheeks rising again. I must be the colour of The Communist Manifesto.”
Oh I bet communism is associated a lot with love and sex. First thing that comes into my mind when you say red is
Are we really going to compare blushing to communism.
“His lips part, like he’s taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. For a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position.”
Well aren’t you two lovely dovely and alone on this earth.
“He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.”
Sorry what now?
Isn’t testosterone associated with this thing somehow. I might not be a doctor but I can sure google better than most of them.
“I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.”
Ladies, ladies, please contain your orgasms…
Oh that sphinx-like smile through the phone….gets me every time.
“His tone is so… so directorial, his usual control freak. I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and a riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud.”
Well I am glad I saw lol in its longer form, on the other hand I am not glad to find out about your old guys fetish.
“Holy crap! He’s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and tray flannel pants that hang from his hips.”
OMG a white shirt, that’s like so fashion and so uncommon those days….wait how does it hang tho?
“The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst-quenching and refreshing.”
In every great erotica book everything is erotic, even the divine orange juice.
“Oh my… sweat and body wash and Christian. It’s a heady cocktail – so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.”
New Cosmopolitan cocktail that will make your neighbors jealous! Just mix some body wash with a Christian and a body(frozen body for the refreshing feeling in the summer when it’s too hot) . Do you even erotica?
“My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.”
There is a lot of dancing going on inside of her mind, one day it’s a dancing goddess and other times it’s her conscious. Well of course there are multiple gods, dieties and goddess living in your head.

“I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
You go salsa dancing goddess, show em what you got….
“I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm…”
I feel like someone has watched Nisemonogatari’s toothbrush scene.
“What’s wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?”
What’s actually creepy good-looking? Someone who looks so good it’s creepy or someone who is so creepy that he looks good?
“Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.”
Today I learned, two orgasms can be compared to the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.
“Look at me,” he breathes, and I stare up into his smouldering grey gaze. It is his Dom gaze – cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look.”
I thought it was 50 shades of something?
“Hmmm… he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty.”
Yeah, steel is delicious. I wonder why people don’t eat it more often?
“Holy crap… just-f**ked pigtails do not suit me, either.”
Yeah it was clear from the start that nothing really suits you. I think you said it yourself a few times that you are average or something below it…or something.
“I’m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake … and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.”
Metaphors are not for you, the book is my proof for that. Also we all know this started out as Twillight fan fiction….and you broke it. Now we can finally say:

Twilight has a better love story than Fifty Shades of Gray!
Even if I didn’t want this to turn into a book/movie review it did. In the end I can just say with a sad voice like the button of the washing machine that is not pressed, I wasted my time reading and watching this stupidity.
Stay awake and as far away as possible of this crap,
Yours truly TheSolkotovic

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